Sunday, June 20, 2010

Season 1, Episode 20: "Benched"

Original Air Date: April 14, 2010

Jay and Phil vie for a coaching vacancy on Manny and Luke's basketball team following the abrupt departure of the previous coach. Meanwhile, Mitchell takes Cameron to a job interview; and Claire and Gloria worry about their children getting older.

Funny lines & moments

Jay: A coach is supposed to ride the kids hard. Phil, help me out here.

Phil: He's a mean man.

Jay: Oh, you're such a woman.

Phil: Come to the game, you'll see. This guy's a real mother scratcher. (Turning to Gloria) Pardon the language, Gloria.

Claire: Gloria?

Phil: He better cool it or I'm going to introduce him to the Captain and Tenille (as he puts his fists out).


Jay: Those steaks have been done for five minutes, I'm taking them off the grill.

Mitch: I'm sorry, I... I know how it feels to have him stick his nose where it doesn't belong.

Phil: No biggie, it's just Jay being Jay. One day I'm going to be a grandfather and then everybody better hide their meat.


Cam: Oh, he owns Earth Gear Apparel.  I have their ski pants.

Mitch: Really?  You don't... you don't ski.

Cam: I have cargo pants and I don't work at the docks.


Mitch: I am losing my mind.  As much as I love Lily, which is, you know, more than life itself, I am... whooo... not cut out to be a stay-at-home dad.  No, but it's Cameron's turn, it's Cameron's turn to be out in the world, interacting with other grown-ups, while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer.  I'd like to fill her backpack with bricks and throw her into Candy Cane River.


Cam: I'm in a really dark space. Being away from my Lily is literally torture.  But I can't pressure Mitchell.  But I really, really... really just want him to get a job, so I can go back to being a stay-at-home dad slash trophy wife.


Alex (at Luke's basketball game): Why do I always have to come to these things?

Claire: Because you love your brother.

Alex: Why don't you make him come to my orchestra concerts?

Phil: Because we love your brother.


Jay steps in to help Phil confront Luke's bullying basketball coach. The coach quits on the spot.

Phil: Jay, you know, I was handling it.

Jay: Yeah, I saw how you broke out Peaches and Herb (as he puts his fists out).

Phil: It's the Captain and Tenille.


Phil: Father-in-laws are tough because you can't let 'em push you around and you also have to show them respect. It's like walking a tightrope. Which, by the way, I can do, because I went to trapeze school.  Did Jay?  I doubt it.


Cam: When things are relaxed, I'm great in social situations. I would have fit in at the Algonquin Round Table. But when the stakes are high, I get a little tense.  I'd be the guy that would knock over the round table. Then Dorothy Parker would make a quip, James Thurber would laugh, and then I would end up leaving crying.


Jay: OK, "win" on three.  (Counting with the basketball team) One, two three, win!

Phil: Don't forget the pick and roll.  These guys won't know how to defend it.

Jay: Phil, try not to confuse my boys, OK?

Phil: OK. (Then, under his breath): I sleep with your daughter.

Jay (turning to Phil): What?

Phil (to the boys): Good luck!


Mitch: That's a very big question. You know, I'm obviously going to have to go talk to my bull in a china shop.


Claire: I don't know about you, but I'm not going to stand here and feel sorry for myself. You know what we should do?

Gloria: Get pregnant.

Claire: I was going to say go for ice cream.

Gloria: OK, we'll do yours first.


Phil: What's my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird, and he becomes one of those weird dudes who walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings... he can fly!  Unless he absolutely has no hand-eye coordination.


Claire: Oh, Alex honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now, but your little boobies are going to come in soon.  Mommy loves you, kitten.  (As she's pulling away)  That'll teach her to screw with me.

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