Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Season 1, Episode 23: "Hawaii"

Original Air Date: May 12, 2010

Jay's plans for rest and relaxation on the family's Hawaiian vacation are rudely interrupted. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron have opposing views on sightseeing; Phil tries to make it a trip to remember for Claire; and the kids get mischievous without adult supervision.


Funny lines & moments

Claire: We didn't even have a proper wedding, we just went down to the court house on a Tuesday.

Phil: The judge sentenced me to life with no chance of parole.

Claire: You begged me to marry you.

Phil: It's true, I did.

Jay (ordering from a pool-side waiter): I want the biggest cheese burger you got. Instead of salad I want fries. Instead of fruit I want chili fries.

Gloria: Babe, I'm going to go to the gym to work out a little bit, you want to come with me?

Jay: I just ordered an extra long straw to avoid accidentally doing a situp.

Phil: In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female... bear... giraffe... what have you... they honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating your kids. But I sure as heck don't mind giraffes doing it.

Jay: I just came from the gym. Guess how much I benched?

Gloria (trying to sleep): I don't know.  Five hundred pounds?

Jay (dejected): Five hundred pounds? What am I, a forklift?

Jay: I decided to get in shape quick. I didn't want to end up like my old man. Although he did die doing what he loved. Refusing service to hippies who came into his store.

Cameron: It's one of the things he loves most about me, and I can't tell him the truth now. It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn't like to walk. Side note... we're very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.

Mitch (after Cameron tells him that he doesn't want to go to the Lavender Ranch): But, the Lavender Ranch. It's something that two men are meant to do together.

Gloria: I thought that one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all the swimming, and running, and rowing... it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country.

Jay's back goes out in a hammock. Phil tries to pull him out but ends up falling face down and lying on top of him.

Phil: I keep my wallet in my front pocket... so... that's what that is.

Phil's voice over a scene where Mitch and Cam are frantically searching through a jungle: And Mitch and Cam managed to do some sightseeing at a working banana plantation, where they promptly lost Lily again.

Cam: Lily!!!!!

Mitch: Why did you dress her in jungle prints?

Cam: Because I thought it would be cute.

Mitch: She's going to think she's back in Vietnam.

Claire and Phil are on the plane flying home.

Claire: You know, honey, if anything were ever to happen to me, I would want you to get re-married.

Phil (without hesitating): OK.

Claire: That was a little fast.

Phil: Oh, no. I just want to make you happy.

Claire: OK. Any idea of who you would...

Phil: Vicky Conroy, probably. She works in my office. She's very organized. The kids love her.

Alex (from the seat in front): Are you guys talking about Vicky?

Phil: Yeah.

Alex: Mom, she's awesome.

Phil: Just so you know, if something were to happen to me...

Claire: Oh, something's going to happen to you alright.

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